Hustle up, guys. You've got to get that defector
and get the hell out of there. No delays.
Hey, Mouse, are you ready with that 18-year-old aim?
I'm on it, sir.
Move. Let's go.
All right, come on. Where is this guy at?
Come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on.
All right, Mouse. Give us that diversion.
Let's move.
Flint, stay put.
Anyone ever tell you you fight ugly?
Not from their backs, they don't.
It's just...
Flint, let's go. Flint?
What the hell are you doing?
Just marking our territory, sir.
Private Gaines, if you see Flint, shoot him.
With pleasure.
Defector in hand. En route to pickup. Come on.
I don't see him, do you?
Flint, get your ass back to the team.
We are on the move.
Uh, you ain't gonna believe this, Roadblock.
Mother...
Yeah!
What?
No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Unfair advantage.
I'm better.
He's got smooth cheeks. He's got no facial hair.
- I'm gonna pull the pin. - There's less friction underwater.
That's a foul. That's a foul.
A Joe flag.
A G.I. Joe flag.
That was a nice touch, right?
Yeah. You can call it that.
And what would you call it?
- Undignified. - Yeah, that, too.
You know in victory, we should be gentlemen.
Oh!
-Hey, Jaye! - Yo!
How long can the average man hold his breath?
Ninety seconds.
- Free hand. - You got it, boss.
All right. Easy, Flipper.
Mmm.
Back. Damn, that's good.
There's nothing wrong with taking a victory lap. It's fun.
This is how it works. G.I. Joe's a fist.
Us, we're the knuckles.
How do we strike?
Together.
A finger strays...
- It gets broken. - It gets broken.
Knuckles, again? Really?
As a friend, you've got to get a new speech.
And the next time you want to drown somebody,
just invite me.
Since the end of the nanomite wars,
Captain Duke Hauser now leads Joe Tactical Operations.
Under Duke's command are Roadblock,
Lady Jaye,
Flint
and Snake Eyes.
The ruthless terrorist known as Cobra Commander,
and Destro
have been captured by the G.I. Joes
and placed in a maximum security prison.
But the Cobra operatives, Storm Shadow
and Zartan, remain at large.
The unit and the world
remain on high alert following Cobra Commander's final vow.
Retaliation.
The ear that sees.
An ancient Arashikage test.
Jinx, cousin to Storm Shadow,
it's time to prove that you are ready to join the G.I. Joes.
Defend yourself.
I'm ready, Blind Master.
Ears, open.
Snake Eyes, your task.
Test her abilities.
Pluck a single hair from Jinx's head.
Ah, good.
One should be as nimble as a cat,
yet fierce as a tiger.
Snake Eyes wins.
Jinx, in order to excel in war,
you must first find peace.
Snake Eyes,
you have earned the Blade of Justice.
Made of black carbon fibre.
Cruel. Indestructible.
There are rumours of a new attack by our enemies.
You must leave the dojo to uncover these plans and stop them.
But move swiftly. You may already be too late.
Contact front! Contact front!
Heavy enemy fire! I need you to bring them up the line. Bring them up the tine.
Check that, Block, but I can't, man.
I'm taking rounds back here.
I need you! I need you now!
Air strike! Call in an air strike!
Wait. How do you call in an air strike?
- Jesus! - Can I bring...
What about one of those, like, care package thingies?
I'm bleeding out and I need you to sprint.
Can you use a care package thingy? I can bring you one.
A care package thingy?
Who is shooting me? What is...
I'm bleeding out right there and you're...
Are you spinning?
You got to cover 360.
- You're spinning. - Huh?
How could you be so good at combat? You stink at this.
I think you need to relax. I believe I outrank you,
-last time I checked. - Not in my house, you don't.
-- Oh! All right. Taking fire!
Enemy fire! Time out! Enemy fire!
-- Enemy contact!
Uncle Duke, you have big ears.
You got a big head. Come here!
Returning fire! What's up, now?
Returning fire!
You can't scream your way out of this one!
Yeah, requesting assistance, brother Block!
Pinned down, brother Duke. Pinned down.
That's all right. I got my boy here. Demon dog!
Grandma, help us! We need backup!
Not the first time you sent a girl running out of the room screaming.
Not the first time I sent two girls screaming from a room.
Dude, completely inappropriate.
- I'm just saying. - Completely.
Violence continues across Pakistan
in the capital of Islamabad
following the assassination of President...
The future of the country
and control of its nuclear arsenal appear to be up in the air
as the vacuum created by the killing remains.
The Pakistani President may in fact be dead,
but Pakistan remains an ally.
And a sovereign nation.
Was.
Right now, they're a riot with a zip code.
Sir, every minute we spend debating this,
there are live nuclear warheads
that sit amidst the chaos.
We can't let our enemies get those warheads first.
Recommendations?
Go in.
Now.
Wait and see.
History rewards the bold.
I'm not going to be the man who waited and saw.
Get me the G.I. Joes.
Star One Flight commander separating for drop.
All right, listen up!
That nuke cannot have gone far. Once we have it,
we will disarm it en route to the L.Z.!
We have its location narrowed down
to somewhere in this missile assembly building.
We'll go in on the roof, and fan out from there.
Flint, Jaye, if any support is needed, you'll reinforce
as Roadblock leads the ground team.
Hell, yeah.
Hey, Mouse.
On my first drop I popped a live round into my mouth.
Keeps your teeth from chattering. Give it a shot.
- Delicious. - Attaboy.
Jaye, what are we up against?
Insurgents are armed with Kalashnikovs,
SVD Dragunovs and Type 50s.
Cold War stuff.
But don't relax, boys, still put holes in you.
Whoa! What have you got there?
P-dub 381 black Tempest, just out of the box. Rounds.
Quarter speed, remote controlled.
When did we get these?
We didn't. We did.
Distinguished Marksmen.
- Let me see. - Don't touch.
Girls with guns.
Approaching target. Ten-hut! Make ready!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Anyone else missing Snake Eyes?
I trained with Snake for six years.
If he ain't here, he's got good reason.
Arch-Angel, go for drop.
Brother Block, as always,
would you mind leading us in a few words, please, sir?
In the immortal words of Jay-Z,
"Whatever deity may guide my life,
"dear Lord, don't let me die tonight.
"But if I shall, before I wake,
- "I accept my fate."
Hell, yeah?
Hell, yeah!
Hell, yeah.
Equipment check!
- Check! - Check!
- Drive it like you stole it!
As your good friend, you need a new catchphrase.
- Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah!
Alpha, Bravo, radio check.
Copy.
Go in ghost till first contact.
- Three and six on the floor. - Copy that.
Team two, expect heavy contact. Bring the rain!
Move out!
Team three headed upstairs.
East hallway, clear.
Level 2 secure. Moving to level 3.
- I owe you one, Mouse. - Clear!
All right! I got eyes on the nuke!
Say again, I got eyes on the nuke!
But I'm taking heavy fire!
Sit tight! I'm taking a detour!
Negative, Flint! Stick with the plan!
Tangos down!
Go, go, go!
Flint, status!
Fire now!
Weapons secured!
Equipment pack-up on level four!
Set!
Clutch, station the transport vehicle! Move!
All teams, rally to transpo, immediately.
Insurgents closing in, sir!
Team two secure. No losses.
- Contact headquarters. - I'm on that.
Mount up! Let's exfil.
- Runway secure. - Let's mount up!
Nuke's disabled.
Long-range transportation and wheels down at 1900 hours.
Home in time for Top Chef.
Good job, Tiny Tim.
All that Wii Combat Shooter finally paying off, sir.
Bam!
- How you doing, sir? - Good.
All Joes present and accounted for.
Sit rep?
Rendered safe and ready for transport, sir.
Square this one away and go get a beer.
- Sounds good. - Mmm-hmm.
Sir, the nukes have been recovered and disabled.
All Joe missions successful.
Only minor injuries to report, sir.
Transport crews are prepping the L.Z. for evac at 0200 hours.
Great job, Captain.
We're modifying your extraction plan back here.
Sit tight.
Let's go, Rivera, let's go.
Let me get this straight.
One whole weekend,
you looking after my little girls.
Yep, as long as I can bring this.
Look, I love your kids. I do.
But they live to terrorise me. You trained them well.
And if you win?
You have to take your next promotion.
You pull a trigger, I pull a trigger.
I don't know if I'm gonna trust a pastry from a gumbo chef.
Think about the wind.
Four knots? Left to right.
Humidity, I say, is about 62%.
You gonna feed me the barometric pressure, too?
That's on the rise. Like your panties.
You love my panties.
That's an interesting choice of a joke.
Of all the things you could say...
-"You love my panties"? - Are you gonna shut up?
- What does that mean? - You gonna shut up?
- I'm looking out for you. - I'm trying to do something.
-I just don't... - Shut up, just shut up.
- I'm just saying. - Just shut up.
How's your heart rate?
That is not gonna count.
I get to go again because you talked.
You pulled a trigger. Now I pull a trigger.
No, we're not doing that.
-- That is not gonna count.
Cheater.
I bought my little girls a karaoke machine
and they love singing on it, all night long.
There's no bedtime curfew, so they're going to be up all night.
Make sure you bring your earplugs.
Boom!
- C'mon, best two out of three. - No.
Best two out of three. That didn't count.
You didn't tell me about the karaoke machine.
Zandar.
Mr President.
Aren't you supposed to stop people from shooting my dad?
Baldy.
Idiot.
Enough out of you, Lee Harvey.
Go clean up the chocolate stains you left in your mother's bedroom.
Kitty likes to scratch.
Next time,
take out his fat ass.
It would be my pleasure, sir.
I brought you some news.
The G.I. Joes are about to be out of the picture.
And by "out of the picture," I mean
alive on earth.
Got a little too close to Mount Olympus.
Huh?
Had to strike them down.
They'll find you out, Zartan.
No. No, I don't think so.
That's the beauty of nanomites.
Here, take a look.
Hmm?
Flawless microtechnology.
You're insane.
Recess over. Sit him down.
You know, they say this is a thankless job.
But yesterday I hung out with Bono.
My new Secret Service,
they want to burn the Constitution.
Literally.
And my interns...
Oh, yeah, I brought back the interns.
Mmm-mmm.
Do you know my favourite bit? I get to blow stuff up.
Oh, I bet that endears you to the people.
Well, that's the thing.
Your approval ratings climbed nine points.
Apparently, America wants someone who looks like you,
but acts like me.
I'm the quicker blower-upper, baby.
Only one drawback.
The little wifey-pooh? Huh?
If you touch my family...
I'm yanking your chain.
Two long terms of you,
just a few short months of me.
So let's not waste the time I got left.
Where is the prison that holds Cobra Commander and Destro?
Is this where I ask you, what do you have planned?
Why does anyone want to be President?
Everybody wants to rule the world.
All squads, gear up and clear the L.Z.
Prepare for extraction.
Extraction? What are we, teeth?
- Reach H.Q.? - No, I got nothing.
- Go up high. - Roger, Sarge.
Block.
All our men accounted for. Not a single drop of blood.
- Boots to asses. - Yes, sir.
Except for that... Did you scrape your elbow?
- No, it's red sweat. - Yup.
That better have been on somebody's face.
Hey, Duke.
You see that?
Security's early.
- Get down! - Take cover!
Take cover!
To your weapons! Let's go!
On the ground! On the ground!
Mouse!
Get 'em out of the L.Z.!
Medic!
Go!
Flint's down! Flint's down!
- I'm going for him! - Go!
Ten o'clock!
Get down!
Troops in contact! Request immediate air support!
I repeat, immediate air support!
You all right? Come on, we got to move! Go, go, go!
Help me!
You good? You hit?
Block, I got Flint. We got to get to cover!
Come on.
Incoming! Incoming! Go, go, go, go, go!
Duke, come in.
Duke!
Get to cover, now!
Go!
- Pull back! Rally point! - Let's go!
Get to the well! Go!
Clear 'em out of there.
Fall back! Fall back!
We're clear.
Let's go!
We have met the enemy
and he is us.
Today, the world's elite fighting force, the G. I. Joes,
abandoned their duty
and broke the sacred bond that exists between
the American people
and those entrusted with their security.
Ready and step.
Ready and
step!
The first domino fell with the murder of the Pakistani president.
The assassin,
a Joe,
call sign
Snake Eyes.
But he didn't act alone.
The Joes intended to use this situation
to seize Pakistan's nuclear arsenal.
Now this incident
serves as a sobering reminder of the scourge of nuclear weapons.
And to that end,
I call upon my fellow world leaders
to convene immediately to discuss
nuclear disarmament.
On three.
- One.
Two .
Three!
The G. I. Joes
clearly went beyond the boundaries of their mission.
On my orders
a covert Special Forces unit code named Cobra
terminated with extreme prejudice Joe Command,
facilities, personnel.
The G.I. Joes are no more.
We should leave.
There's nothing here.
There's nothing left here?
- That's not what he meant! - These are our brothers!
That's not what he meant!
Whoever did this is going to come back.
We need to move.
You are our leader now.
We head due east until we're clear.
We're gonna find the man who did this to Duke
and our brothers.
And we're gonna kill him.
Snake Eyes.
Last place I thought I'd see you.
Warden James. It's a pleasure.
I'm a very big fan. I love the black.
It's very Johnny Cash.
Come. Welcome to Einsargen.
Let me tell you a little bit about the place.
Listen to me. I sound like a real-estate agent.
I'm not here to sell you anything.
Except maybe hopelessness.
How was your trip?
The sensation that you're feeling, your upside-down tummy?
It's due to our descent into a former East German mine shaft.
It was the deepest they ever dug.
So deep in fact that you just crossed out of Germany
into international territory.
Which allows me
certain jurisdictional freedoms.
Huh?
One word,
awesome. This room is awesome!
Temperatures here exceed 210 degrees
when not artificially cooled to a crisp 68.
Almost calls for a Snuggie.
Wait till you see this next one.
See what I mean? This just slays me.
It's so interesting. This is where science has come.
Did you know that during REM sleep,
the human body
produces a neural chemical
which paralyses every muscle in the body
but the heart and the eyes? This prevents us
from acting out our dreams.
We have injected both of these men
with a synthetic version.
They're perfectly awake. They're conscious,
they're aware of everything that's going on around them.
It's just that they're trapped inside themselves.
Well, I believe you know your new neighbours, Destro,
Cobra Commander.
Oh, the three of you are like my fantasy football team.
Gentlemen.
Now as your eyes and mind
travel to where you cannot, I want you to agonise.
I want you to pine.
I want you to ache for what once was and will never be again.
I want you to doubt that there was ever a word for escape.
Welcome to hell.
You have no idea.
Snake Eyes speaks.
It never occurred to me what you might sound like.
But I've always thought about what you might look like.
We'll have that mask.
Storm Shadow.
So you killed the Pakistani president.
Well, you're not exactly my first-round draft pick,
but I've always been a fan.
Protocol says we make a distress call, right?
No. Protocol died with the unit.
What?
How's anybody gonna know we're alive?
They're not, 'cause we're not.
To our government,
to our families, but especially to our enemy,
we were KIA at 0600 hours in the Indus Valley Desert.
But we have to at least try. I mean, there might be...
No. Anything we do now is a rumour of a rumour.
Any and all traces
of our existence is terminated.
The only one I trust out there is Snake Eyes.
When we got hit,
how we got hit,
we were set up right from the start.
How many stars would someone need on their shoulder
to call an attack like that? Four? Five?
No, not stars. Buttons on his suit.
National Security Advisor. Secretary of Defence.
No. There's only one man who could authorise a strike like that.
And I voted for him.
All Vitals on Cobra Commander are steady.
Storm Shadow nerve prohibitors injected.
Sixty-two degrees on a change of 4%.
Aerial threat! Down!
We're going home.
Full arrest! Full arrest!
No drill! Bring the restraints!
Remove the containment lid!
Where's the serum? Quickly!
Adrenaline now. Now! Adrenaline!
Let's go! Quickly, quickly!
Move! Move!
Where's the serum?
Let's go!
Peel back! Move!
What do you mean, his heart stopped beating?
No one here dies unless I say so!
Oh, my God.
Fire!
Fire! Fire!
- Take him down!
Take him down!
Clear on the north!
Clear!
Welcome to hell.
Stop!
You shoot anything that walks through that door!
Anything!
Storm Shadow.
Never a doubt.
Cobra Commander.
Destro.
You're out of the band.
Come on.
I see you've arranged transportation.
Making more things go boom by 9:00 a.m.
than most people do all day.
Firefly. Good to see you, old friend.
Sir.
Some people just didn't want to let me in.
Now, I busted out of eight prisons.
But I only broke into one.
All communications have been cutoff. No one will know you're even missing.
Take him to the mountains to heal.
I'll need him for the war I'm about to start.
- I want to help you.
We've seen Storm's injuries. We know where he's headed.
And you need me.
Good.
Sir, launch controls are nearly up. The director was running behind.
Well, he ain't running behind no more. Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Armour prototype is complete to your specs.
I got it up to 60 on the dyno today.
You'll like this. Working title,
High Speed Sentry. HISS.
It's good to have you back, sir.
Ain't she a beauty?
Soon the world will cower in the face of Zeus.
All we've been missing is our Commander.
Cool mask.
Someone took his time.
Not easy to sneak out of that big, white,
11-bedroom, 35-and-a-half bath...
Just don't forget who put you there.
Or the rock you crawled out from.
Firefly. It's good to know we're not running low on crazy.
Still all 10 fingers?
How is our former President?
Oh, he is worth his weight in platinum.
You know, they call it a waterboard,
but I never get bored.
In 48 hours, Zeus will launch.
Just one wrinkle.
Three Joes somehow survived our little house cleaning.
A drone picked up voiceprints in the Indus Valley.
Can I trust you with nothing?
They'll slip up.
And when they do,
I'll hunt 'em to ground.
Hoo-ah.
No, no, it's cool.
I got it.
You lost, little man?
No, I ain't lost.
I think you got the wrong street.
So why don't you take Miley Cyrus
and Ryan Seacrest
and head back that way?
I'm going that way.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Go ahead, Marvin.
Man, don't call me that name.
-- What's up? Little Marvin!
- Marvin? - Big Marvin now.
Had you worried for a minute, man.
Watch your hand back there, boy. You don't want them to get you.
Look at you. You got grown.
How your parents make a kid this big, man?
- His parents are like 5'2" apiece. - Really?
You're taking that P90X serious, huh?
Twice a week.
I see. Look at the size of your neck.
Let me introduce you. This is Flint.
What up?
Lady Jaye.
Lady Jaye. Hey.
- Welcome back. - Thank you.
It's what happens when you're in trouble, you come home.
Home is where the help is.
Amen.
Well, we got you.
Set up at the rec centre.
Lay low over there. Nobody gonna bother you.
As far as wheels go,
I'm gonna let you roll my truck.
Thank you.
I got payments on that truck, man.
I don't get it like I used to. All right?
Thank you, Stoop.
I owe you one, brother.
Actually, you owe me two.
- That other one don't count.
Welcome home, Marvin.
Watch your step.
No one's been here for years. This is gonna have to be our pit for now.
Wow. It's an actual pit.
It's my old stomping ground.
Are you sure we can trust this Stoop guy?
- Stoop's no angel.
But he is family and we can trust him.
Can we be traced?
We can mask our IP addresses.
I'll cyber-blast an encoded beacon every six hours.
If any Joes did survive,
we need to let them know where we're at.
All right. Well, let's get to work.
Flint, inventory every piece of equipment we got left.
Jaye, start that database on our President.
We'll find out what's going on with our Commander-in-Chief.
He's not acting like the man we know. We find out why,
we can start being soldiers again.
Lieutenant Lady Jaye, requesting immediate aid.
If any Joes have survived...
This channel's restricted to Joes, isn't it?
...magnetic west of the Potomac.
They're alive.
This is Lieutenant Lady Jaye requesting immediate aid.
Lieutenant Lady Jaye, this is Jinx and Snake Eyes.
We are in pursuit of Storm Shadow.
Even if Snake Eyes and Jinx grab Storm,
they're still halfway around the world.
We're on our own.
Enough for a battle.
Not a war.
We're fighting uphill here.
I came here when I was 14 with a life expectancy of 13.
I was bounced around from home to home, until this
became my home.
Guys were lined up outside that door to fight me.
They whooped my skinny ass so much I started to enjoy it.
Till one winter,
I grew 8 inches and gained 60 pounds.
I punched a guy so hard he couldn't move his arm to tap out.
Then when the Joes came recruiting to the hood,
I'd already beaten down half of it.
I became a Joe to serve. In the field.
So if we're fighting uphill, we take the hill.
Hey, I got something you'll want to see.
During my check of the President, look what I found.
This is the President on August 9th.
...an addiction to offshore energy,
where we're forced to be kind of embroiled
in the affairs of foreign nations.
And this is 10 days later.
I mean, otherwise, we're sort of...
These are conversational fillers. Little phrases
we spit out to give our brain a chance to catch up
with our mouth. Like...
- Like. - Yes.
And our President?
Between August 9th and August 19th,
he stopped using "you know" and "kind of"
and started using "I mean" and "sort of."
But that's not all. "Supper" became "dinner."
"Soda" became "pop."
One President, two fingerprints.
But it's a few words, right? I mean, how much can...
Check this out.
Two press conferences, July 31st, September 1st.
See his fingers clasped?
Left thumb on top versus right thumb on top.
The same person never does this differently,
it feels wrong.
What if the President
isn't the President?
Look, if the Commander-in-Chief is an imposter
and he's the one that ordered the attack,
we have to assume that there's no one we can trust.
There is one man.
He's the reason we call ourselves Joes.
Hello?
I'll take two cases of Thin Mints and a box of Chuckle Lucks.
Lower your weapons.
General Colton, if I may...
Shut your mouth, Brenda.
My name's not Brenda.
How'd you get in?
Sir, apologies.
- Sergeant Marvin... - I know who you are.
Then you know why I'm here.
It's not like I don't hear what you're saying.
But an imposter President?
How come when the General says it, it sounds crazy?
What'd they do with the real President?
We fear he's dead.
I don't think so. You're not going to kill your best asset.
"Conrad Hauser. Duke."
Your captain.
Tell me one thing you know about him.
Great soldier.
Better friend.
And he saved my life, sir.
Good.
What you're proposing is treason.
I'm gonna need something a little more to go on
than overlapping thumbs.
Before you retired, you served on a security commission
with the President's Chief of Staff.
General Colton, can you get us close?
Negative.
I can't scratch my ass in this town without getting on the watch list.
Brenda, hand me that pen.
Girl Scout to secretary.
Amazing. Name's not Brenda.
It's just a pen.
Avenue K, Georgetown. 9:00 p.m.
There's a poker game with the Chief of Staff there.
He's not a good poker player.
He's got 1,000 tells.
We only need one.
Hey, hon.
Just got out of poker. Poorer but wiser.
It was a good day, actually.
The Prez was taking his crazy pills again.
Baby, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Yeah.
Love you.
Excuse me.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
You need a hand with your bags?
Sure.
No problem. There you go.
Thank you.
Who said chivalry is dead, right?
Chivalry.
Talk like that, I'm gonna get myself in trouble.
Where we heading?
Just right around the corner.
That tingly feeling is amobarbital.
It's a sedative that causes anterograde amnesia.
In five minutes, you're gonna be asleep.
In another five, you're gonna wake up with no idea I ever existed.
Notice anything strange about your boss?
Maybe. Why?
'Cause you're gonna make a phone call for us. Get us close to him.
But don't worry. You're gonna forget everything,
so your conscience will be clear.
Why are you doing this?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Make the call.
Oh!